hoganddice:

takethethirdoption:

I went to an Arab-American comedy night and there was a Muslim guy making a joke about being in high school football.

"I was hit so hard, I saw Jesus. Do you know how hard you have to be hit to see somebody else’s god?"

This is what jokes about religion are supposed to look like.

miketooch:

kangaroonemesis:

Im not sure the new IT guy knows what he is doing…

Nonsense give him a promotion and his own corner office

miketooch:

kangaroonemesis:

Im not sure the new IT guy knows what he is doing…

Nonsense give him a promotion and his own corner office

hobbitts:

not stoned, just slightly pebbled

(Source: hobbitts2)

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.

—Stephen King (via kushandwizdom)

mooseleys:

happy birthday, you beautiful bastard

shouldnt:

(p+l)(a+n) = pa+pn+la+ln

I just foiled your plan

gayinsect:

i luv kids they are so much funner to talk to than adults. i asked a toddler today whats up and he said “ten” with such conviction i really did believe it was an adequate response to my question for a second

club-ugly:

you-lost-him-stupid:

These violent delights have violent ends
William Shakespeare

HOLY SHIT I have this tattooed on me! literally no one knows this quote

club-ugly:

you-lost-him-stupid:

These violent delights have violent ends

William Shakespeare

HOLY SHIT
I have this tattooed on me! literally no one knows this quote

(Source: concedable)

just-keep-diving-down-the-hole:

peeho1e:

askthemariobros:

rainbow-dash-101:

at the risk of this going horribly im going to do this

reblogging this
because i’ll regret it

i accept

This isn’t going to end well

just-keep-diving-down-the-hole:

peeho1e:

askthemariobros:

rainbow-dash-101:

at the risk of this going horribly im going to do this

reblogging this

because i’ll regret it

i accept

This isn’t going to end well

(Source: )